


Amber and Red

by NanakiBH



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Family, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Heartwarming, Incest, M/M, Moving On, Post-Change of Heart!Shido, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 13:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13147653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: It's the thought that counts.





	Amber and Red

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably my favorite Christmas story I've written. I think it succeeds more as a _Christmas_ story than any of the others I've ever written. I suppose that'll be up to you, but I'm personally very happy with it there. I have a lot of feelings about this one, but I don't want to get too personal. I just hope everyone can understand (or try to understand) why I love heart-changed Shido.
> 
> I wanted this story to feel like one of my favorite songs, [Happy End of the Year](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtgp7n1Xk3A) by hadronika. I don't always mention what I was listening to, but this song is just tragically underappreciated. lol I enjoy its sentiment that it isn't wrong to expect happy endings.
> 
> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays ♥

He got a little sadder every day.

As the weather got colder, old force of habit reminded Akechi of old winter thoughts. It was hard to stand alone in crowds without wanting to scream. It was hard to look at parents and their children without wanting to cry. The twinkling of Christmas lights looked lonely – whose attention were they trying to get?

Happiness in that season didn't seem to exist, not for him.

As one day passed, then another, he realized that he was subconsciously counting down the time, waiting for the next year to come and erase the days he was living. Every year, he felt that way, expecting the next year to sweep aside the unsightly past and carry him something better. That never worked, though. At the strike of midnight, time simply continued. The past was always there, bleeding into the future, becoming harder to separate.

One day, he figured, he was just going to have to accept that he couldn't escape it. He was almost there...

Accepting it either meant submitting to loneliness or making peace with it.

Even though his father was finally there... He was still lonely, always, knowing that their moments together were just moments. Even when he wanted time to stay, it slipped away.

With nothing left to fight, he couldn't ignore how helpless he was against his own memories.

It wasn't his mother.

It wasn't Shido.

It wasn't anything from in between.

It was just their memory. It seemed so hopeless when he thought about it like that, though. Something intangible had a grip on his heart. Probably, he was never going to be released from it. There were times when he tried ignoring it, but that just made it worse. If he forced himself to forget, it was always more painful when it returned. Yet, even knowing the consequences, he kept doing that over and over. Settling for temporary peace of mind was always easier than seeking something more permanent.

He wanted to know what that was, 'something permanent'. It sounded made-up, but... Chasing its illusion sounded preferable to a life lived in the past, void of hope.

Old memories couldn't be changed. They only seemed to become more vivid in his mind. Recalling them brought them back to life in sharp focus, and their existence tainted the creation of new memories. If only he could put a bullet through them and remove them forever...

Funny.

Sad.

The thing he'd always wanted to kill was the past, but he didn't know where to aim. He had to hang the target somewhere, so he put it on Shido's back. He should've known why his heart wouldn't let his finger pull the trigger. Just like his mother, whether that man was good or not, Akechi needed him. There was a blank space reserved just for him.

In that season when everything felt especially sad, when hidden tears fell more easily, he needed him more than ever.

 

It was going to be the first Christmas since the Phantom Thieves changed his father's heart.

Akechi spent the previous Christmas in the hospital. It hadn't been too bad when he'd been unconscious for most of it, but that meant it also didn't count as Christmas.

It wasn't like he _wanted_ it to feel like Christmas... His only memories of the holiday were unpleasant ones. There was nothing worth recreating. Even the fondest memories of the day spent with his mother were dyed in a shade of unease. He always clung to the memories of her kindness, but retrospect made it easier to see how scared he really was of her. Though he cherished her kindness, its unpredictability made her difficult to trust.

Similarly, even a changed Shido was a Shido who was hard to trust.

After a year spent with him, though, Akechi knew that his distrust was just a superficial thing. The change of heart had an astounding effect on him and turned him into someone almost indistinguishable from who he used to be. His distrust was there to protect his heart just in case. Akechi wished that he could erase it completely along with whatever need there was for 'just in case'.

He didn't have any expectations for the day – or so he would've liked to say.

Christmas Eve was nothing. It was a little hard to ask the Prime Minister on a date. Akechi spent the day laying around the kantei and refused to go outside. Just being there was depressing, but it was considerably better than watching other people being happy and normal.

For some reason, Shido was gone the whole day, like he was intentionally trying to avoid him or something. He even came back noticeably later than usual. Akechi woke up when he rolled into bed. He made sure to give him a piece of his mind for missing Christmas Eve, then rolled over and went back to sleep. It didn't take a lot out of him to yell at him when he was already tired to begin with.

Akechi wasn't without expectations, but he continually prepared himself for disappointment. With the new Shido, that seemed to be the best way to be.

 

The next morning, noticing the absence of his father's warmth beside him, chest filled with heaviness, Akechi opened his eyes and expected to accept disappointment once again.

Shido may not have been there, but there was something else there on his side of the bed.

A big teddy bear with a black-and-white ribbon tied around its neck.

It was holding a card.

Sitting up, Akechi picked up the card and opened it.

 

_I love you, Goro._

 

That was all it said. He hadn't even signed his name, that idiot. He was probably too embarrassed, being a tough guy with a reputation to uphold and all...

It was just one line inside a blank, unremarkable-looking Christmas card, but. Akechi couldn't stop tracing the words with his eyes. It was just one line, but its meaning seemed to grow each time he repeated it in his head.

He had to close it and set it aside, otherwise he had the feeling he could've sat there all day just staring at it.

The bear was a bit perplexing. Did Shido not know what to get for a person his age? Was he subconsciously trying to make up for the time they missed by giving him a gift that was more appropriate for a child? Akechi wanted to feel insulted, but he was kind of touched. It was a gift from Shido, it was of really nice quality and looked expensive. It was awfully soft. And it smelled like him, too, like he gave it a spritz of his cologne.

Akechi laid back down, hugging the bear to his chest.

He was barely still a teenager. He couldn't call himself a child anymore. But he wanted to hold on to that feeling.

He rolled over and buried his face in its plushness and took a deep breath, enjoying the familiar smell. It embarrassed him that Shido realized that he'd enjoy such a thing. Whenever Shido got up in the morning, he must've noticed how reluctant he was to let him go, so he got him a substitute. It was like it said, “I'm sorry I can't be there.” Unexpectedly cute from the old man.

A card and a present. Shido may not have been there, but it was already a better Christmas than Akechi could remember in years.

If he wasn't careful, he could have fallen back asleep holding the bear. It was comfortable. He could envision them becoming fast friends. If they were going to be sleeping together, though, he had to figure out what its name was.

Rolling onto his back, Akechi held it up and stared at it.

“Papa.” He grinned evilly. “ _Papa Bear._ ”

Shido did that one to himself.

At last, Akechi pushed back the sheets and got out of bed. He fixed his pajamas and brushed his hair to make himself more presentable, then grabbed his new friend by the paw to take him along with him. He wasn't that worried about being seen by anyone else in the kantei. The staff and cabinet members already had the inkling that there was something going on between him and Shido. It was probably like an open secret among them. He trusted that Shido did what was necessary to keep them from talking.

As he walked down the hallway toward the kitchen, he realized that he left his phone in the bedroom. He was curious when Shido was going to be back. The fact that he left the card and present for him to discover probably meant that he expected that he wouldn't have the time to give it to him in person. That was a bummer. But still, it was better than nothing. Akechi had resigned himself to sulking all day. He should've known that his father's change of heart wouldn't allow him to totally forget about him.

 

Those standards were still pretty sad, though...

 

Standing in the hallway between the bedroom and kitchen, Akechi stared down at the bear in his hand, then pulled it to his chest. As long as no one was around to see him, then he didn't mind doing something so childish. He lowered himself into a crouch and curled around it, pressing his nose to the top of its head.

“Papa... I love you, too,” he mumbled quietly. “I just wish you could always be here when I need you...”

What was the point of Shido having a change of heart if he couldn't monopolize him like he wanted? Dwelling on his absence filled him with a painful sense of bitterness. But he knew it wasn't Shido's fault, for once. The Prime Minister's time rightfully belonged to everyone... It was more than just a convenient excuse.

Akechi pressed his fingers to his eyes and sucked in a breath to stop the tears from coming. They seemed to halt completely when he looked down at the bear's smiling face. It was shockingly effective. Apparently all he needed was a hug and a smile to steer him away from dark thoughts. Pretty simple. And yet. As simple as it sounded, it hadn't been easy to find that kind of attention whenever he'd needed it the most.

“But now I've got you, Papa Bear,” Akechi told his stuffed friend, shaking its paws. After a moment, feeling ridiculous, he rolled his head back and sighed. “I'm talking to a stuffed animal. Have I reached a new low? Is this helping or setting me back? Ah... I can't tell anymore. Ha... Haha...”

It wasn't that bad, though.

Besides Sae and Shido, he hadn't had many people he could talk to. He tried confiding in Akira, once, but then he tried to kill him, so that got weird... At least if he was talking to a stuffed animal, he didn't have to worry about hiding his real feelings. He could tell it all of his secrets and not worry about it spilling any of them to anyone. From the second he put his arms around it, he already knew it was going to be everything he wanted his father to be.

“I hope you don't mind if I hit you sometimes. It's not personal. The guy who gave you to me is kind of an asshole. I love him, but I also hate him, you know? It's one of those kinds of relationships. Mostly-... Uh... Mostly, I love him... If I didn't, I wouldn't hate him so much, too.” The bear continued to smile at him understandingly. Such an attentive listener. “Alright, that's enough of that for now. Let's go find some Christmas breakfast.”

Akechi stood and brought the bear with him.

All in all, it was still a fine Christmas. Part of him was worried about things getting worse, but he tried to push those thoughts to the back of his mind. Having his new friend with him made it a little easier to remind himself of how sweet and thoughtful his father had been to leave him a gift. He really hoped that he'd come back earlier than usual so they could spent some time together before the day was over.

On his way to the kitchen, he didn't encounter anyone. It almost felt like everyone had taken the day off for Christmas. That was unusual since Christmas wasn't a holiday recognized by the government. They had to be around there somewhere.

Holding his bear's paw with one hand, he pushed open the kitchen door with the other.

Inside, standing at the sink was...

 

“Sh-Shido-san?!”

 

Shido turned around calmly, but his face was overtaken by a look of surprise when he realized who entered.

“You're awake already?” He sounded disappointed. “I wanted to surprise you.”

There were five full mugs lined up on the counter. Akechi was very suspicious of what that was about. Shido must've been experimenting in the kitchen again. Always terrifying. The country was safe under the control of the altered Shido, but no one was safe when he was allowed near the kitchen.

Shido's eyes went to the stuffed toy Akechi was holding. “I see you found your first present.” He gestured toward the table where a few wrapped gifts were stacked on top of each other. “There are some others for you, too. I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I tried a few different things. You should make a list for me next time. I didn't know buying gifts would be so difficult.”

“Well, yeah. It takes thought. Having money won't help you if you don't know someone well enough to know what to buy for them,” Akechi said. He stared at him, still feeling very confused about what was going on. “Speaking of which, what was the thought behind this?” he asked, holding up the bear.

“For when you miss me,” Shido said.

Akechi clicked his tongue. “Thought so. You're so full of yourself. Who'd miss you?”

Shido took another look at the bear, but Akechi looked away before Shido could look up and meet his eyes.

He took a seat at the table and kept the bear in his lap.

“Anyway,” he muttered, squeezing the bear's paws for strength. “Nice card.”

Shido didn't say anything to that one. He just nodded in acknowledgment and pushed up his glasses.

“Is that breakfast?” Akechi asked, skeptically eyeing the mugs.

“Breakfast?”

 

Oh no.

 

He looked stricken, like he hadn't even considered breakfast and just realized that he'd disappointed him. Whatever he made, it wasn't coffee. But that was for the best. His coffee was toxic. As much as Akechi appreciated the gesture, he wasn't sure if he could survive another cup of his coffee, but he was equally afraid of finding out what was in the mugs. Why were there so many? Did he really screw up that many times?

“I made cocoa...”

Ah. It was just instant hot chocolate. The box of mix was on the counter.

 

_He couldn't even make instant hot chocolate..._

 

“Papa, I...”

“Hm?”

Putting his elbows on the table, Akechi covered his face with his hands and shook his head. He wasn't going to say it out loud. It was just, he really loved him sometimes. Despite being such an utter dirtbag, even the old Shido had some things about him that Akechi found attractive, but his new, reformed self was too charming sometimes. He didn't even seem to be aware. Akechi was glad that he'd placed dibs on him. With the way he turned out after the change of heart, his combination of status and endearing clumsiness could have easily netted him a wife.

He wasn't going to let anyone replace his mother. Or him.

Akechi dismissed his half-finished sentence by holding out his hands. “What are you waiting for? Lemme try your cocoa.”

“Ah.” Shido went to the counter and returned shortly with one of the mugs for him. He slid a bag of marshmallows toward him with it. “Originally, I was going to wake you up with a cup. I was thinking I'd get to see your reaction to the gift and the card, but I left them there just in case you woke up before I got there. Looks like I took too long...”

It seemed more likely that he got cold feet. Emotional situations were tough for him. Akechi understood. Feeling something for someone, even his own son, was an unfamiliar experience for him, so he felt awkward. Akechi wished he'd try harder, though.

“You're confident about everything but me,” Akechi surmised bluntly. Predictably, he didn't receive a response. Shido's silence was his answer. “It sounds really harsh when I put it that way, doesn't it? Sorry.” He laughed, looking up at Shido's uneasy face. “I'm an unknown factor to you. I guess... I actually feel a little special, knowing that I make you uncomfortable.”

Shido took a seat on the other side of the table, looking guilty and lost.

“Sorry.”

Akechi dropped a few marshmallows into his mug. It seemed like the cocoa had already gone cold. The marshmallows just floated and didn't melt. “Don't sweat it. I'm just happy that I can talk like this with you sometimes. And... I'm glad you listen, too. For a long time, I was afraid you couldn't even hear me.”

Again, Shido was quiet. He got up from his seat and went to the counter to take one of the cups for himself, but he stayed there for a while, back turned.

“I don't know if you remember last night. When I came to bed, you gave me an earful about missing Christmas Eve. I didn't realize it was that important... Sorry.” He turned back around, holding his cup. When he took a sip, he made a face and tried to hide it. “I knew you'd hate it if we didn't do anything for Christmas, so I made sure to let everyone know that I was going to be taking some time off today.”

“You can do that?”

“Sure. If anyone needs me, they know where to find me. I do _work here_ , after all.”

That was true. The kantei was their home _and_ his father's workplace.

Shido sat down across from him and took a bolder sip of his drink. He made an even more noticeable face at the taste. “So. What is it people do on Christmas, exactly?” he asked.

“You don't know...?” That didn't make sense. Everyone knew what Christmas was about, basically. Though, the more Akechi thought about it, the more unsure he became of whether he really understood what Christmas was supposed to be like. It was a day to spend with loved ones, but... What were they supposed to do together besides drink crappy instant hot chocolate and open gifts? He hadn't even gotten anything for Shido since he assumed that Christmas wouldn't be happening. Thus, he wearily admitted, “Actually, I have no idea, either.”

“Damn. Didn't your mother ever do Christmas with you?”

“Yeah, but-” Akechi stopped and stared at him, eyes narrowing. “Wait, what about you? What did your parents do for Christmas when you were younger? What's your excuse?”

Imagining Shido as a young person was hard. It seemed almost impossible to believe that there was a time when he _wasn't_ an adult. His complete inability to relate to younger people made him seem like someone who'd never had a childhood-

Akechi rested his forehead on his steepled fingers and closed his eyes.

It occurred to him that he didn't know a thing about his grandparents. And he was kind of scared to ask.

 

It couldn't have been like that...

 

“My Christmas, huh...” Shido sat back in his chair with a complicated, reminiscent look on his face.

 

_It was totally like that..._

 

“H-Hey, by any chance...” Akechi leaned forward a little, taking a tentative sip of his drink to try to keep the unsettling feelings inside him from coming up. “My grandparents...”

He didn't know if he wanted to know. If he knew, he was afraid of how his impression of them would change his image of his father.

“Your grandparents? You've never asked me about them, have you? I guess it's only natural that you'd want to know about them since you never had the chance to meet them,” he said. Akechi kind of wished he hadn't said anything at all, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything to make Shido stop talking. He wasn't able to stop his dangerous curiosity. “They've been gone for years now, as you probably expected. I didn't keep any pictures of them, so if you're curious, I might have to ask other relatives.”

Not a single picture?

As horrible as his mother was at times, even he still had a few pictures of her...

“What the fuck.”

“Hm?” Shido's brows raised.

“Look, I don't want to let myself read too much into this before I know the full story. I can't decide if you're literally evil or if you have some other reason. Like, maybe they weren't worth remembering. Maybe they were despicable people just like you. I'm just sensing something really familiar here and it's making me nauseous. Feel free to reassure me before my thoughts can continue to spin this out of proportion.”

Shido didn't respond quickly. He seemed to be at a loss. It was understandable; the change of heart worked like a shortcut. It activated Shido's conscience by skipping over the self-examination that would have normally been required to make him change. He changed, but he apparently didn't understand why he needed to change or why he was so awful in the first place.

For each 'Why?' that existed, there was always another.

 

Did it matter?

 

It shouldn't have. It wasn't like Akechi wanted to feel sympathy for the person who hurt him. But he still clung to him, so he knew that those questions weren't unimportant to him, either.

Shido wasn't like how he used to be. And that was how Akechi wanted him to stay.

He couldn't stop his curiosity because...

He wanted to feel his humanity.

His father was just a person. Knowing that made him want to laugh. There was nothing more horrible than recognizing the human flaws in someone who should have just been a monster. There was a line that separated ordinary people from the ones who were considered irredeemable by society, and Akechi was always standing in the middle of that line.

It wasn't like he could reach out to Shido and pull him back over. He tried that in the past and it hadn't worked.

Besides, as someone who let his feelings take the lives of others, he already knew that they both belonged on the same side. It would've been easier to meet him there, but that wasn't where he wanted to stay, and he didn't want to leave Shido there. The longer he spent standing on the line that separated them from the rest of the world, the more the line seemed to blur beneath his feet.

If he allowed himself to keep thinking about it, Akechi knew that his thoughts and feelings would have continued to go in circles without end. No matter what conclusion he came to, he always found himself desperately seeking Shido's heart.

“Don't you think it's mean to call me evil?” Shido said. His grin didn't look as confident as it should've.

Akechi snorted. “So you're admitting that the rest of what I said is correct?”

“I didn't say that,” he said, losing the grin. “But I will say that if you didn't like me as I used to be, then you probably wouldn't have liked them. Your grandfather was a respectable man, but he was also distant and impersonal. He gave me everything, so I was grateful. I showed him the necessary respect.”

It sounded like he was trying to downplay the severity of his influence.

“...You didn't resent him?”

He waved a hand dismissively. “That's in the past.”

“No it's not,” Akechi said, locking eyes with him. “Nothing ever goes away.”

 

…Just by saying that, he ruined everything, didn't he.

 

The words in Shido's card replayed in Akechi's head again. Understanding the reason why he wrote those words wouldn't have made them mean more. The way they were imparted, timidly... They already meant a lot. More wasn't necessary.

He wanted Shido to understand his pain, but he wanted him to understand his own, too. But forcing him to confront something he'd already turned his eyes away from wasn't the answer. An answer probably didn't exist. There was only that moment, the words repeating in his head, and the pathetic feeling of guilt circling his heart.

 

His hands unconsciously squeezed the bear in his lap. Turning it around in his hands, he looked down at its face and remembered what an unusual help it had already been.

Weird. Despite the name he gave it, with that black-and-white bow, it resembled him more than Shido...

“Here.” Rising from his chair slightly, he leaned across the table to hand Shido the bear. “Hold him for a bit while I unwrap gifts.”

As he thought. Shido looked like he had no idea what to do with it, acting as awkward as if someone had just handed him their baby. That wasn't a coincidence. The old detective in Akechi felt proud for figuring him out, but he wasn't sure what to do with that information yet.

He grabbed the first gift off the stack. There weren't many gifts, which was good. Fewer gifts meant fewer opportunities for Shido to horribly screw up. The first one was conspicuously book-shaped, so Akechi feared it the least. He was less certain of what the other shapes could be.

He took another sip of his cocoa before touching the wrapping, then paused, looking at the cup in his hand. He'd been so distracted by his thoughts, he hadn't even realized... Shido's cocoa wasn't half-bad. Apparently the fifth try was the charm. There had to be something wrong with the others, considering the way Shido reacted when he drank his. His cup had already been pushed away and rejected.

“Thanks,” Akechi said, glancing up. “For the hot chocolate, that is. It's... better than your coffee.”

Shido laughed. “That hurts – but I know a compliment when I hear one. I'm glad you find it acceptable.”

Shido's eyes always became clearer when he laughed, the soul he'd crushed inside of himself reviving for that second or two. As he smiled, Akechi noticed the way he squeezed the bear in his arms. He kind of wished he hadn't noticed that. It made his nose sting.

He distracted himself with the sound of tearing paper. As the wrapping fell away, he revealed what he expected. A book. Hardcover for a change. That was nice. Easier to hold. It was pretty thick. Heavy. It wouldn't have been convenient to take with him on the train, but he didn't have anywhere to be lately, so...

“Huh...” The title sounded frivolous. At a glance, it had the type of cover he probably would have passed over on the shelf. He turned it over and inspected the back where he only found quotes praising the book's inspirational nature. “...You know I like mystery novels, don't you? So then... I don't know. Isn't this a weird choice? I don't even know what the demographic is here.”

Shido didn't look discouraged in the slightest by his reaction. “I asked the girl working at the bookstore what she would recommend, actually. I told her a little about you – without mentioning your name, of course. If I did that, I'm sure I would've immediately been taken to the mystery section. That's the obvious choice for Akechi Goro, after all. Lately, when you have nothing to do, I've noticed you spacing out. I thought you could use something uplifting to occupy your thoughts.”

Uplifting?

Akechi looked back down at the cover of the book.

He still didn't know what the book was about, but the cover did give him a certain feeling. The illustration on the cover was painted with gentle pastels. His melancholic brain would have definitely made his eyes skip such a cover. There probably weren't any character deaths in a book like that. There probably weren't any tragedies. Or maybe there were. But if there were, then they were probably painted gently.

“Thank you,” he said. He would've never bought something like that on his own. It was good that someone else got it for him.

He was going to read it alone. With the bear. He just had the feeling it was going to make him emotional.

Setting the bear in his lap, Shido picked up another one of the gifts and passed it to him. Akechi noticed the way the oblong present awkwardly sagged before it reached his hands, so he wasn't surprised to find that it was a weirdly plush package. He didn't know what it was, but it was probably clothes. That spelled disaster.

“You should've used a bag for this,” he said.

“I had the school kids at the mall wrap them for me,” Shido explained.

“You should've told them to use a bag.” He shook his head, squishing the wrapping. “I haven't even given that many gifts in my lifetime, and yet I feel like I have a lot I could teach you... Next time, okay? I'll show you how to wrap gifts the right way. If you're going to mess them up, at least mess them up yourself and be proud of your own shitty handiwork, jeez...”

For some reason, Shido looked very pleased.

“What?” Akechi asked.

He put his arms back around the bear. “You're already thinking about next Christmas.”

There was still time for their next Christmas to be canceled. Everything depended on what was inside the remaining packages.

Before he opened the one he was holding, Akechi took another sip of his cocoa and enjoyed a few of the half-melted marshmallows. His cheeks tingled with the sweetness. He wasn't able to catch his smile before Shido saw it, unfortunately.

He tried to replace his smile with a scowl as he tore into the gift. He hadn't given himself a chance to think about what might've been inside, so his eyes were caught off guard by the shocking scarlet under the paper. After curling up the paper and setting it aside, he unraveled his gift.

“I already have a scarf,” he said, “but...”

His wasn't nearly as nice. It was old and comfortable, but the one he was holding felt so new. The color vibrated with confidence. In fact, he was shocked by how much he liked it. The kitchen was a little warm, but he couldn't resist the urge to put it on. He wrapped it around his neck and let the ends fall over his shoulders. He looked down at himself to admire it and wished that he had a mirror.

“Like it?” Shido asked, smiling, chin in his palm. “I didn't forget about your preoccupation with playing hero. I knew it would suit you as soon as I saw it. You look really cute.”

“Cute...?”

“You look really cute,” Shido repeated, his smile irritatingly getting wider. “My son is very cute in his cute red scarf.”

“Stop. Next gift.”

 

The next gift appeared to be the last.

 

When Shido picked it up, he held it in his hand for a moment and stared at it, his face blank. Even though that expression seemed like no expression at all, Akechi had gotten used to all of his faces and knew how to identify each of them to tell what he was thinking. That skill developed as a clever trick to help him avoid his temper, but it kept evolving. After the change of heart, he used it to search for his sincerity.

The blank look on his face was something sad. It wasn't guilt or regret or disappointment.

It was just sad. Pitifully ordinary.

He'd done really well with the previous gifts, so Akechi felt like he could raise his expectations, but he was afraid of what that look meant. When Shido placed it in his hand, Akechi looked at it and scrutinized the small, rectangular package, trying to see through it to see what Shido saw in it.

It was too light to be a gun. It bothered him that he would've even considered that as a possibility, but... Once upon a time, not that long ago, that had been a real possibility.

 

He glanced up and found Shido watching him with solemn interest.

 

He tore off the paper. There was just a box underneath.

He opened the box.

Inside, there was a watch. A silver men's watch. Sturdy. Made to last.

The hands didn't move. At first, Akechi thought it was his imagination, but they really didn't move. It was dead.

“That was the last Christmas gift I ever received from your grandfather,” Shido said. “I was thirteen. Apparently it had been passed down to him from his father. He told me I'd grow into it once I became an adult. I always held on to it, but I never knew what to do with it. I figured, maybe you'd know.”

“You never wore it?” Akechi asked.

Shido shook his head.

 

It wasn't an ugly watch or anything.

It just... didn't mean anything.

 

He couldn't blame him. He wouldn't have worn it, either.

 

“It's mine now?” he asked, holding the lid of the box in one hand.

Shido nodded wordlessly.

“Thanks,” he said. He hoped that Shido understood how grateful he was. “I know what to do with it.”

 

His father hadn't kept any pictures of their family, but he kept holding on to that...?

 

Akechi closed the box and stood from the table. He walked across the kitchen to the trash, opened the lid, and dropped the box inside. It hit the bottom with a loud, metal noise.

That was probably what he wanted him to do with it. He's always been good at removing the things that stood in his way for him. For some reason, it was always easier to solve someone else's problems. Seeing how easy that had been, Akechi got the sense that he could figure out a way to do the same with his own problems.

“I take back what I said,” Akechi said as he approached Shido's side of the table. “There are some things that never go away, but there are also unnecessary things you can get let go of. I wish I had realized that before I met you.”

When he stopped next to Shido's side, Shido looked up at him with half of a smile. “Isn't it about time you let go of me, then?”

It hurt to even hear him suggest something so stupid. He couldn't let go of him that easily.

“No. The pain that resulted from the absence of my father... Even now, I can't get rid of it. Even when you're here, I think I might always feel that way. But, my anger...” He curled his hands into fists at his sides and looked down, but as soon as his eyes caught the red of the scarf around his neck, his fingers loosened. “I must have already let it go. I'm not mad anymore. I thought I should never forget that feeling for as long as I lived, but it went and disappeared without me even noticing. I don't need to forgive you in order to thank you. There are things I'll never forget, but...”

Those things didn't hurt nearly as much as they used to.

All that existed of Shido's cruelty was its memory. The best thing about a painful old memory was that it could never be new again.

 

“Papa...”

 

As tears threatened to fall, Shido set aside the stuffed bear and held out his arms. It looked like he didn't even need to think about it which just made Akechi's eyes sting even more. He couldn't just stand there and pass up such an opportunity, so he climbed into Shido's lap and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, hiding his face against the side of his neck. When he felt Shido's arms around his back, he accidentally let a sniffle be heard.

“Merry Christmas, Goro.”

A kiss was placed lightly to the side of his head where Shido could reach.

Akechi held him more tightly and realized, with the barest sense of surprise, that he didn't even feel guilty for enjoying his embrace. He was just happy. Even if there were a few tears on his face and even if it also felt a little sad, that feeling was definitely happiness.

“Thank you for changing,” Akechi said quietly.

Shido moved his hands to Akechi's shoulders and made him move back slightly so he could look at his tear-stained face. The look on Shido's face was a very earnest one. “It might sound self-centered and meaningless for me to say this now that I'm Prime Minister, but – making you happy satisfies me in a way that nothing else ever could.”

Akechi let go of him and moved his hands to the sides of his father's face. “That was something that always irritated me about you. It seemed like you had everything, but you always wanted more. I should've said something. When I look back, I feel like I only contributed to your obsession. No – I know I did. If I had just-”

“Like I said, it's meaningless to think about it now.”

He was right.

His father was right.

Life was better lived without the question of 'What if?' It was too easy to blame himself if he kept looking back while questioning what he could've done differently. Many things were his fault, but many things also weren't. Those decisions only mattered in how much they affected the present life he was living. The past's bad decisions existed to guide the future toward better ones.

Slowly, he got off Shido's lap and took the bear and book with him as he stood up. “What do we do now?” he asked. After saying that, his eyes caught a glimpse of white flakes floating past the kitchen window. “Wanna go outside? It's snowing.”

“You want to go out?”

“Just for a second. I don't feel like going anywhere.” The way Shido's eyes had lit up for a second hadn't gone without Akechi's notice. He was probably getting ideas about strong-arming a last-minute reservation at one of those high-end hotel restaurants. That sounded like too much stress for Akechi to handle on Christmas. “I'd rather stay here and just... watch TV while laying on the couch or something. If you still have business to attend to, y-you don't have to hang around or anything...”

Shido thankfully seemed to catch on to his true feelings. “Very well, then. I'll spend all day with you. I won't leave your side for a second.”

 

Telling Shido to wait for a minute, Akechi ran to his room. It was separate from Shido's, down on the other side of the building. After the first few months, he gave up on pretending like he slept in his room and started sleeping exclusively in Shido's room. It was kind of embarrassing...

His room was still the place where he kept all of his own things, though.

He hadn't thought about what to wear for Christmas since he thought Christmas wasn't happening, so he flew around at top speed, tossing things around until he came up with an outfit that looked suitable.

A white sweater and jeans looked best with his new scarf. Akechi thought his reflection in the mirror looked quite dashing – heroic, even. Before leaving his room, he arranged Mr. Papa Bear against his pillow and placed the book in its paws.

Deciding that his hair was acceptable for the moment, he grabbed his jacket and put it on as he quickly walked back to the kitchen.

 

He hopped into the kitchen and dragged Shido away with him to the entrance. A guard nodded and wished them a merry Christmas as they went outside.

 

There wasn't much to see outside the kantei. Just more buildings. Shido followed him out from under the sheltered entrance toward the sidewalk. Despite the security, it sort of felt like an ordinary home among so many government buildings. Strangely, that impersonal atmosphere didn't seem to suit Shido anymore.

Looking up at the cloud-covered sky, Akechi slowly turned in a circle, watching the snowflakes fall. “Hey, if we get the chance, we should go somewhere next time. I mean, we should take a trip – go someplace where we can appreciate the snow.”

“Sounds romantic,” Shido said with a snort. “Are you sure you wanna go on a romantic getaway with a guy like me?”

“Not if you're going to tease me about it.”

Shido kept his mouth shut after that. He must've liked the idea, too.

It did sound awfully silly... Going on a romantic trip with his father. He should've laughed. Instead, Akechi just smiled, feeling a warmth spread throughout his chest. He wasn't going to expect presents every year. He wasn't going to expect every Christmas to feel special. Until then, he'd tried to keep his expectations as low as possible, so he wasn't going to start raising them.

He liked being surprised.

He was surprised that that Christmas felt special.

Timidly, he sidled up to Shido and looked up at him. “Hey,” he said, catching his eyes. “Thank you for the gifts. You did really well. You... feel a lot like my _father_ today. I haven't had Christmas with family in... a long time.”

Looking into his eyes...

It hurt a lot, knowing that he wasn't the only one who could say that. It didn't make a difference to him whether or not past Christmases meant anything to Shido. What mattered was that he understood the significance and specialness of that Christmas.

Despite the overcast sky, Akechi could've sworn he saw the color of his own eyes reflected in the amber of Shido's.

Shido lifted a hand and touched his cheek. “I'd kiss you, but we're outside.”

Spitting out a laugh, Akechi gave him a playful shove. “You shouldn't even say things like that in public.”

Chuckling to himself, Shido pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket and shook one loose.

“You're going to smoke? I thought we were having a moment,” Akechi said, staring at him hard. “When are you going to quit?”

“You can't get everything you want for Christmas, kiddo,” he said, his words somewhat muffled by the cigarette between his lips.

“At least let me light it for you.”

Shido handed over the lighter, but not without giving him a skeptical look. “Please don't light me on fire.”

“I wouldn't dream of it,” Akechi said cheerfully, letting him wonder how serious he was.

He pocketed the lighter.

Shido continued to stand there, staring at him slack-jawed. Once he accepted the fact that he wasn't going to get back his lighter, he just nodded sadly to himself and put the cigarette back in the pack. “I'm gonna start sweating, you know.”

“I'll take mercy on you if and when I must, but only if I really must.” Affecting a tone of indifference, he added, “You can do it, papa. I believe in you.”

“You're cold.”

“Cold is the only way you're going to quit. Now enjoy the snow with me.”

They returned to silently watching the snow fall. Akechi was disappointed that the roads had already been plowed. He would've liked to have seen the ground covered in untouched snow. There was nothing he could do about it, though. He was just going to have to look forward to the next Christmas when they could go somewhere where the snow was allowed to stay where it fell.

The cold air made his ears hurt, but the rest of him was warm, especially with the new scarf. Holding the ends between his fingers, he looked down at its bright red and smiled.

They were supposed to be watching the snow, but he could feel Shido looking at him. When he glanced at him, it prompted him to speak.

“If we have nothing better to do later, why don't we have a walk around town and see the lights?”

“If I suggested that, you would have laughed,” Akechi said, knowing how right he was. “Isn't that too much like a date?”

“You were disappointed that I wasn't around yesterday.”

That sounded like Shido's way of saying that he was down for a date.

Unsure what to do about the rapid pounding of his heart, Akechi looked away. “Ah. Mn. Yeah... I'll have to fix my hair. I didn't expect anyone else to see me today.” He'd already told him that he just wanted to stay at home, but if Shido was willing, then...

 

The pure, undivided attention of his father...

 

Standing there in the gently falling snow, feeling the steady pounding of his heart, Akechi realized that he didn't feel sad. Like his anger, he hoped that it would also eventually disappear without him noticing. It had to, as long as he kept his eyes fixed on the things that made him happy.


End file.
